The Things That Really Annoy Me

I definitely must have got out on the agitated side of the bed this morning and it's just got worse.

Someone wrote to me and said, "it’s nice to read a woman’s perspective". Compared to what exactly? Nice, like candy floss? Nice, like it's kind of novel and different? Nice, to do once a year when you're in the mood for a little fluff? I really hate the word nice. Its so agreeable and boring.

And while I am on the subject of annoying things, here are some other situations which also annoy me.

1. The use of the word guesstimate – What does it mean exactly? I'll tell you one price then double it later? Or, I'm too lazy to find out the answer so I'll tell you something that may or may not be correct? I heard this word used yesterday when I was dealing with a plumber on behalf of my parents. He said, "as a guesstimate the tap can be used in 2 days". So, is that like the guesstimate he gave to do the job which ended up costing twice as much when done? So is it 2 days or 4 days? I tell you one thing, if I hear that word again, I will guesstimate how long it takes me to give the person a right hard slap where it hurts - 0.0 seconds.

2. When you're watching TV with someone sitting right next to you and they turn and say 'Did you see that?' No, of course I didn’t, I am just sitting next to you twiddling my thumbs, staring at the ceiling, just for the hell of it! Waiting for you to tell me what's going on, line by line....by line.

3. When people say to me, gosh you’re so tall. Wow! That has never occurred to me, ever before. I have been 5’ 9” (175cm) since I was 14. I always wondered why I was head and shoulders above most people! Now, thanks to those do-gooders who feel a need to state the obvious as if they have discovered something, I finally realise it's because I'm TALL!!!

4. When my mother watches me hang out clothes on the line and cannot help but unpeg them all and repeg them in the ‘right’ way – I kid you not, she rehangs them because there is a right way to hang everything and colour coding is important apparently. Even with the pegs? What, is the clothes line going to thank you for your trouble or are your neighbours going to take happy snaps of your handy work? Well, some things are not that important you know and this is one of them. Besides I’m old and I have lots of clothes hanging experience already in my resume….it's humiliating (and if my daughters are reading this then it’s only my mother you don’t pay any attention to, OK? I wasn't referring to all mothers.)

5. Men who don’t whistle when you pass by – NO, you read it right. It pisses me off that I don’t get whistled at when I pass building sites anymore. Only because time is marching on and I’m really annoyed with life passing me by too quickly. However, if any men who work on building sites are reading this nice blog – then don't waste your time - save your whistles for those females aged 35 plus, because they are the only ones that appreciate the attention!!

6. That I cannot read a book from Page 1 - No, I am not illiterate but my parents put me on a speed reading course at age 12 and I have never been able to read a book for pleasure since. I read the last page first, then go back to the front of the book, miss the first couple of pages then skim the rest. Real quick. I was brainwashed by the 'speed reading sect' and it’s scary! I know how Tom Cruise feels. When you're in, you're in and its hard work to get out. OK, you are allowed to call me a freak, but just this once.

7. When the police pull you over, and say, "do you know you're speeding?" What, do they expect us to say, NO? I mean it's kind of obvious when a police car is chasing me down the highway with the siren going full blast that perhaps I did something wrong. I already know they did not pull me over just to have a chat and admire my new hairdo. They pulled me over, and they know the answer better than I do, so the question is ridiculous. Just write the ticket already! (I should also add that thankfully to a nearly impeccable record this doesn’t happen very often unless I am on the way to my dentist).

8. People who use the BUT word a lot – (I'm guilty, yep, I even annoy myself). Listen carefully when someone says I don’t mean to cause offence BUT, I am sorry BUT, It tastes great BUT, Here is the drill. NEVER believe anything that comes before the BUT only what is said after the BUT. I learned that lesson the hard way when a psychopath said, "You’re beautiful, BUT.." and then tried to choke me! I will tell you that story one day. Just not today. It needs to be in serial form.

9. People who ask sweetly if they can borrow a piece of paper or a tissue. What are they going to do, come back with another piece of paper or a tissue to give me in return? Or the same one even? Hardly, so don’t ask to BORROW stuff that you would look ridiculous in returning.

10. Women who think I’m shallow, vacuous and letting the side down because I like the colour pink, makeup, perfume and all things girly. Well, get over it you obnoxious biatches. I have a Diploma in Theatrical Makeup & an MBA and quite frankly I think we can do it all! I live in both the shallow and deep ends of the girrlpool and I’m happy.

11. When something is advertised as New & Improved - and I don't mean recycled Hollywood stars who just reinvented their faces. It’s the new and improved versions of coffee or soap powder I am talking about. If it's new, then it has never been done before, if it’s an improvement, then it has already been done before! Quit trying to cover all bases you marketing gurus and keep it simple. You already had us when you said, NEW.

12. People who try and feed you when they know you’re on a diet – surely I am not the only one that suffers from this am I? One minute a friend or family member is telling you your a$$ is growing before their very eyes and you better put the doughnut down. Then, when you finally take the big hint and reduce your food intake, they start offering you anything and everything that is super sized and overdosed with fat and sugar.

13. People who use widely sweeping claims like, The majority of the medical profession believe..... and All the research has shown..... it's everywhere right? When push comes to shove it turns out that their only reference source is one that no-one can access in a country that has never even been heard of. The author is then apparently mysteriously travelling somewhere and cannot be contacted. Never believe this rubbish unless they give out names, addresses and telephone numbers of all of the physicians or scientists involved!

OK, the lesson today is that I know you are really lovely, wonderful people with hearts of gold, BUT never use the word ‘nice’ when speaking to me and you will save yourself a lot of heartache….you know how it is.